Therapy began yesterday.

I can see how unlike myself I have been for the past couple months. My relationship, or maybe more precisely my boyfriend, has been the only topic on my mind for so long that I almost am forgetting how to be myself. It's shocking to see the extent to which I have changed because I have thought of one and only one thing for so long.

Where did my joy go?

I'm learning to let it go already. Therapy works like that for me; a few simple questions from the outside world, and the ball which has been tarrying behind the scenes starts a-rollin'. I think it's the venue, the third-party of the therapist herself, that makes it work like that.

Walking up the sun dappled hill from the train to my store this morning was a less drastic version of the 3 hour walk from the bar to Alpha's house last night. The difference being that I'm not sad today, I'm just fucking scared. Taking the focus off of the BFJ would appear to show just how unsure of this relationship I feel myself. I don't know how to relate to him without worrying about him. This would smack of trust, right? Maybe he's NOT as distant as a worry about. Maybe I push him too hard. This isn't the first time I've thought about that, only the first time I've thought about it this way: I'm scared for him.

Why am I so insecure?

I think I've figured it out!

The pattern of intense conversation, calm, build up of emotion, breakdown, then intense conversation again is a means to achieve the goal I want of getting closer, a simulation of taking the next step in our relationship. I feel closer after we have these conversations, even though I might not like the conclusions of them. So I am creating (reinforcing or whatever) this dynamic in order to feel close to him.

Will someone please help me? Suggestions? How can I feel closer to him if he won't do anything to let me get closer? How much longer can I wait before it's just not worth it anymore? Is it reasonable to ask him to do more to allow me to get close? Or does this mean it's the end? Should I let go, like everyone has been telling me to?

I think he has ADD. I love him so much. I want to stop hurting. Help!

The mending of the gown

I'm lunatic. I can't spell. I can't read or write. I'm an emotional wrecking ball and I'm having trouble recognizing faces and words. The semester ended, but that doesn't explain what I'm going through. Once upon a time, I thought the moon fell out of the sky and there was a man living in the walls who wanted to kill me. This is MUCH like that. And I'm taking it out on the BFJ. Won't someone help? I am at wit's end. Please.

Communication Vacation, or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bombs I drop.

It's the end of the semester and finals are looming on the horizon. I have two ridiculous papers to do before I Thursday, and truth be told, I don't have high hopes. So instead, I'm going to write something here, and maybe that will kick my ass in to gear.

The BFJ and I went on vacation weekend before last. We had Friday evening and all Saturday to ourselves. I was looking forward to this so much! I wanted time alone, a luxury in our relationship, because we are forever going to new restaurants and seeing bands and all of that is quite lovely, but when we are in public, The BFJ is a distant man, and I often feel like a tag-along more than a partner. Is this ok with me? I'd like to think so, because I understand that being affectionate in public can be embarrassing or downright dangerous, but I can't help feeling the slightest tinge of rejection there. So this was supposed to be good, some time for us to get closer. Too bad I was like a boiling kettle the entire weekend. You see, dear reader, the BFJ is a very busy man with many important things to do, and I, as a supportive and loving partner, try to deal with this as well I can, mostly spending a lot of energy either 1) trying to understand that his business trips really DO take precedence over our meager 2 days a week, and 2) trying NOT to explode about this when we get to see each other. I know I sound ridiculous, but I just can not get around his changing schedule sometimes. Now which one of us sounds like the ADD partner, huh?

So the trip down was broken into threeportions. The first was short, in which the BFJ tells me he has a hectoc travel schedule in the upcoming weeks. The second was a very long and congenial debate about culture as imported value. I ended up arguing for some rather odd positions given my usual take on matters like this. I really don't know how this ended, because I think at some point my mood took a turn for the worse, and I put on some music quite loud. The third part of the trip was ruled by a track by DJ Food, and was an hour-long history of the relationship between recording technology and music production. It was epic and captured me quickly, and I spent the whole hour in rapt attention. When it was over, we talked about it and then I was tired and we got to the vacation house as quickly as possible.

The next day, Saturday, we got up late and had lunch on the water. I bought some cheap sunglasses and then we went to the beach, where I did my best to get a tan without getting burned (Part of the trip was a celebration of my recently lost 55 lb. by sitting on the beach without a shirt, a first in almost 10 years). It was a quiet afternoon marked by some talk about other people's blogs and a card game, then we came in to swim in the pool and relax in the sauna. I don't remember what it was, but in the car on the way to dinner, something again made my mood shift dramatically. As usual, I held my tongue, but I think he could tell something upset me. As far as I can remember, it was something he said, but honestly I don't know what it was at this point. I remained somewhat sullen until dinner, which we had in a lovely restaurant (the BFJ is a foodie like WHOA). In the middle of the meal, I apologized for my petulance, which he didn't acknowledge recognizing, though I don't believe him, and the evening passed in a rather lovely fashion.

Enter Saturday night. Here, now, I admit that I am a smoker. The BFJ is not. He is also not a fan of the taste smoking leaves in my mouth, and I had been missing his kiss in favor of smoking, so I decided to not smoke as much as I could get away with while we were together. This is what you might call a metaphorical match, lit and ready to fall into the vast well of gasoline that was my emotional state up until then. Holding your tongue is apparently not very good for you, especially if you're used to regular doses of nicotine but aren't provided them. Anyway, the BFJ tells me a rather innocuous story of his former boss and his wife, who's sexual proclivities are private but in a bizarre set of circumstances came to focus on the BFJ (apparently there is a crush, and there are parties for people like them, and the BFJ was extended an invitation), and as I'm hearing this, I start to get angry. The BFJ goes on about it, laughing (as he should!), but I'm not hearing a joke in this story. I'm hearing threat. My anger mounts and I start to shut down. I want to smoke, but I can't because if I do, it means we will not kiss, so I don't. Instead, I start to jump from conclusion to conclusion in an emotional hurricane. To whit: Why doesn't he just tell them he's gay? He doesn't work for them anymore, why should it matter? Oh, it's because this man might be able to help him land a job in the future. So, the BFJ is afraid of telling his ex boss he's gay because he anticipates it will be used against him. This means the BFJ is ashamed of being gay. These things together mean the BFJ is ashamed of me and himself and the fact that we are in a relationship. This means that I am unimportant. Unimportant? That would explain the missing days from our schedule, the nights he skipped, so I stay at home alone because I thought we had plans but he didn't. This must also explain why he is not out to his own mother, which means we can only come to my house, which is far for him to drive, or meet in the city. My conclusion: he must not want to be in a relationship with me.

This all happened inside my head. Outside, I was quiet, distant, and curled up next to the BFJ on the couch. He definitely could tell something was wrong at this point, and I started to go in to it, but habit forced me to choke my words down, and I felt tears well up in my eyes, so I excused myself to see if I could find some nicotine replacement gum or something, because I knew I was overreacting. I just couldn't stop it. There was no nicotine gum to be found, so I got some dip (ew) and packed a lip and drove slowly back to our cabin on the beach. It helped a bit, but I was not proud of doing this, and recalled vaguely that he once told me if he ever saw me doing that, he would definitely not kiss me for a while. When I eventually made it back to the cabin, he was standing on the porch over the driveway looking at the sky. He called me up and we watched fireworks erupt over the rooftops, some small but impressive display. There was a lovely breeze from the water, and he held me firmly from behind while we watched. I apologized for being dramatic after it was over and he smiled and kissed my neck and told me he was going to put on a movie, and that I should come in soon.

(Writing this now, I want to kick myself! It's so obvious he cares! I'm even fairly sure he loves me! How can I be such an idiot? Where do these ridiculous emotions come from?)

I came in, and we watched a quirky but entertaining mystery/comedy flick and laughed and cuddled and ate ice cream with butterscotch sauce. Then around midnight, the friends arrived and we all went to bed. Sunday morning, we all went out for brunch at a fancy restaurant, indulging ourselves by ordering desert (3 of the 4 of us are in Weight Watchers). But still, I was distant. Around 3, the BFJ and I took off for home, a 5 hour drive ahead of us. I asked the BFJ to make the drive back, and I took lots of pictures. About halfway though the drive, I remembered what had bothered me on the way down: the next two weeks were heavy with travel for him, and were the last week of classes and the exam period for me. I was upset because I expected to have him around during this stressful time, but he was going to be all over the country. I started to speak without realizing it, and (mind you, I had no cigarettes this day) blurted out "when you break our plans, even if it is for work, I feel unimportant to you."

Fuck.

3 hours of conversation followed that. I actually made him pull over at one point because I HAD to smoke a cigarette (after making him promise that he would still kiss me goodbye). Remarkably, there wasn't a single instance of yelling. We just talked, back and forth, passing ideas between us. I wanted him to make alternate plans, but his mother's impending shoulder surgery and all the travel limited that, so I felt like a demanding partner. I suggested maybe playing a video game together, the kind that has a plot and character development. It's not my favorite past time, but he likes them. He laughed sweetly, saying it was nice to offer, but he didn't think that would work for him. No conclusion was reached, even if I did ask some bold questions like "Have I ever hurt you?" (after he said he was afraid of hurting me) and "Do you really want to be in a relationship with me?" (to which he replied he did). I even went back to the moving in talk that I seem to focus on, mostly I think because if we did live together, it would be easier for me to deal with his hectic schedule. Living together means I get time with him and he doesn't have to go out of his way to give it to me. However, he is not a fan, which I understand because I AM his first relationship, and it's only been not quite a year that we've been together.

We concluded that it was a good talk, and in fact I felt good about it. I remarked on the lack of yelling, which he didn't understand, but I thought pointed out some good qualities of our interaction. I also pointed out that I was afraid of becoming too demanding, a needy partner, by speaking all of these things. He retorted by pointing out that if we didn't communicate, then we didn't have much of a relationship at all. I'm still not sold on this. But I am implementing it as a new paradigm of approach. So from now on, I'm going to speak my mind more freely.

Today he told me that he is applying to two dream jobs. One is local and one is not. He's a long shot for both, but there is always the possibility that he will be hired. This comes within hours of being informed of an additional trip that will cut out yet ANOTHER Saturday, one which I asked off from work for so that I could see him in the middle of exams. Then we went to dinner. I think it was supposed to be nice, but I wasn't that hungry or talkative. Just kind of there. Then I remembered our talk weekend before last, and I decided to start speaking about what was going through my head. Moving in, when it's right and when it's wrong, what will happen if he gets the jobs (he's made it clear that if he gets the far away job, he will not hesitate in taking it). That bothers me more than it should, I think, because it's something that's been hanging over my head during our entire relationship. He could get a job tomorrow, and move away in a week, and I would be left behind. This might happen yet! In fact, it's quite probable that it will, if only because he's so desperate to find a better job that he even considered taking something in SOUTH DAKOTA (no offense, I just like cities). I guess it's no wonder I feel unimportant. I'm a bit of a convenience for him, insofar as it's nice to have me around and the sex is good, but I turned down free travel to and tuition in one of my favorite cities in the country because I'd rather be here with him, and he would leave at the drop of a hat.

But he loves me, right?

I keep thinking I should break it off, if only because our relationship appears to be more of a coincidence than anything else. An example of this is the fact that if he gets the closer of the two jobs, he will probably move about two towns away from me, which is closer than he is now. He seemed proud to say that, but as I see it, his lack of will, lack of desire, speaks more to the root of the problem than anything. That he is so willing to depend on luck makes me queasy.

Letters to the editor

Dear the BFJ,

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Today was one of the most wonderful days in the entire almost 10 months of our relationship. The stories you shared, the fact that you liked the restaurant I picked, spending the whole day all wrapped up in each other's arms, all of this not only made up for last night, but also proved to me that my need for emotional closeness can be fulfilled, and you have the to capacity to fulfill it. I am glowing.




Dear Alpha,

You have a special place in my heart, but you are right: it is painfully clear that we aren't good for each other. I respect your decision to stop speaking. I am proud of you for coming to this conclusion and sticking to your guns because I know how hard it is for you to close the door.

AWHBoToMH part 2

UPDATE:

If he was upset, he didn't go in to it when we spoke as he was leaving his work last night, about 40 minutes after I made my post. In fact he seemed downright pleasant.

I think I really do create these situations due to lack of stimulus.

But at least he's not going to break up with me just yet.

A whole bunch of time on my hands

It's spring break, and my boss at the store is on vacation. These things together mean that I am working more hours during the week, because there are only two employees here, and that the college town I live in, and in which my store is located, is completely dead. What this pans out to be is a LOT of time sitting around doing nothing. I can't do much at the store because neither of us that are here were trained in receiving, and our hours are staggered to cover the most amount of time with the least amount of payout, so I'm here alone for days on end. Also, there are no students around to come in and shop. So for the past few hours I've just been sitting here with virtually nothing to do. That's never a good thing for me, because I am officially bored out of my mind, and when I get bored, I get despondent, and when I'm despondent, I start to look for things to worry about. This is one of the ways in which my ADD manifests itself, something a friend of mine called "Floating Anxiety". Floating Anxiety is a general sense of unease, without a specific trigger. I am a generally anxious person, and unless I have some sort of task to direct this energy toward, I latch on to kind of ludicrous things that I have no control over or no influence upon and worry until I explode.

Enter the relationship aspect: I have, over the past few months, noticed that my general anxiety is centered around my relationship. There are some positives and negatives to this approach, namely that I can be a really considerate partner one one hand, and I can spin out of control with concern for the state of my relationship on the other. The BFJ has had to, one a couple occasions, take me to task over my worrying about whether or not I have upset him, because this often manifests in constant asking of whether or not he is OK, or whether I have upset him somehow with my generally neglectful and aloof countenance. This is a gift from Alpha, this worry that I have somehow screwed up and pissed someone off without realizing it until it is too late.

This past weekend with the BFJ really hit the spot, emotionally. I needed to see him and have physical contact with him. I didn't realize this until after it happened, but I was very sated. He, however, was not. He didn't sleep well at all, for a couple reasons, and went home on Sunday a tired man. When we spoke last night, he was terse and not exactly elated-sounding. This set off my alarms, but I'm trying to quell this impulse by trusting him to be honest and open if there is something upsetting him, so I didn't say anything about it. But today, when I texted him this morning, there was no response. Then at noon, same thing, and again at around 3 or 4. It's 6:20 (40 minutes to closing!!) and I still haven't heard from him. Oh wait, just as I typed that, my phone sounded with a message. Is it him?

It is! But one word answers again. Sounds pissed. I'm worried. I was hoping that his phone was left in the car or at home. This means he's had his phone with him all day, and has just not responded to my messages. Why would he do that? Why is he being so short-winded? Usually we talk at length via text all day long. What did I do wrong? I have been wracking my brain for the answer to that. I am simply convinced that he's going to break up with me, and I can't blame him because I am such a handful, so hard to deal with. I'm sitting here right now waiting for that other shoe to drop. I can feel the anxiety in my shoulders.

I should breathe. I don't know how I should respond. I can't ask if he's OK, because it might piss him off if he's not. But I have to know what's going on, if I have done something without meaning to, or if he's just resigned to the fact that I'm simply too much for him.

Gulp.